August 30, 2017. About a week ago, marked the year Hurricane Irma first hit Puerto Rico. This hurricane managed to leave about half the island without homes, form of communication, electricity or running water. September 16, 2017. In a few days, will mark the year the consecutive hurricane to hit, Maria. This hurricane is what personally traumatized me.
Disclaimer: This blog post will not include much facts, though I highly recommend you do some research because I am crushed for the little progress that has been made under Trump administration and with some of Puerto Rico’s crooked government officials. This is more of what expression the hurricane has left me. Remember, Puerto Ricans are Americans too.
Last year, towards the end of June I visited the island of Puerto Rico after three years — this trip was a bit more special because this was the first time I went to Puerto Rico as an adult and without my immediate family. My parents are my bridge when it comes to communicating with my family since by the time I was born, my family were already living in the states. My opportunity to live with extended family was not made possible until that summer, this was the summer that changed my definition for family. I finally was able to accept the offered space my extended family have opened after all these years and they became a part of my comfort zone. Now I can talk to my aunts at almost the same level I talk to my mom and that is actually a pretty big step for me.
I was able to rekindle my familial relationships and I feel that is one of the reasons for feeling like my life stopped for the whole week (and the aftermath) of not hearing back from my family. With reestablished bonds, I had created a more in-depth emotional attachment. The hurricane approaching felt like a car accident, you can see the car coming at full speed but there is nothing that you can do to stop it, so instead, you embrace yourself for the hit, hoping that whatever happens, you survive along with everyone else. I am someone who will give you a limb if you need one, so the fact that I felt so helpless, I further burrowed myself in despair. I was only able to keep up with the news on Hurricane Maria’s tracks, and pray constantly that I was going to hear back soon from my family. I was in so much disbelief and anxious, I honestly do not know how I managed to not miss a day of class when I felt any given moment could have been a mental breakdown moment.
I remember living my life that week like if I was still living in a horrible dream, and I kept quiet for most of the beginning because I knew if I talked, then it would make everything real and that I had to deal with it. I wasn’t emotionally and mentally strong to admit to myself that Hurricane Maria did happen and it wasn’t just me going through it but the whole Puerto Rican community. Families trying to find their loved ones, loved ones trying to reach out on the island from the states, families trying to leave the island, families trying to get medical attention or any kind of attention, Puerto Rico went through their own apocalypse, and the whole world was watching. So many tears were shed, so much frustration from the lack of assistance, so many swear words, just trying to find a bit of peace within the chaos. Music during the time was one of the stable points that brought awareness that Puerto Rico was (and still is) suffering. Songs from Farruko, a compilation done with Lin-Manuel Miranda, and Xantos, that illustrated all of what I was feeling, I went through a phase where I was just listening to their songs and similar emotion-filled music. At least when I listened, I knew what I was feeling was mutual and I didn’t have to explain myself.
The music definitely helped, but I was still not talking as much about Hurricane Maria and I also wasn’t talking to my parents, I had stopped reaching out to friends because I did not want to them to worry at the time (yes, they know now) so I went to therapy. For the rest of my semester, I spent a huge chunk of my time rewiring my perspective on life. I was still sad and I did not sense much of a difference in the beginning but therapy was helping so I kept on going. I am telling you, Hurricane Maria has left me an emotional scar and I thought I was over it but I have been mistaken. I honestly don’t know if it is going away.
I am not asking for someone to validate my emotions or my feelings, because I know they are real. I am the one who ends up dealing with them, some days better than others. So fast forward to current day, I get extra anxious now any time hurricane season approaches or when we are in hurricane season. I immediately hope the season to end so I wouldn’t have to worry so much. Any new hurricane update, I am praying it is no where near home. This is simply something that I have to learn to live and manage with and I cannot expect you to understand but I think it is important to share these experiences. Through all of this, I have learned that when you feel something, you should not wait for the right moment, you should just say it. No matter how unscripted it is. Any moment is the right moment to tell someone how you feel. And you should not take your family for granted, find an appreciation for them each day.
I may have felt alone for most of this aftermath, but lets make this an open conversation so that we shouldn’t have to feel excluded.
xx Chavelita
chavelitastories 