Donde estan los boricuas? (Where are the Puerto Ricans?)

For an assignment in my final semester at college, my professor required our class to either write a manuscript that was non-fiction or fiction, preferably one that could later be published in a journal. (Which sadly, I was not able to find a journal where my piece fit the requirements) The overall goal for me was to use my non-fiction manuscript to educate and expose what was happening to Puerto Rico post-Hurricane Maria — which at the time and still now, continues to be left on the back burner. I will admit, this piece holds a lot of my own opinions and does lean left, but I hope you, my readers, are able to form your own opinions from this. I want my story to be heard and so I will self-publish this onto my personal blog. 

Thank you in advance. xx Chavelita

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Last edited in December 2018

September 18, 2017 (Two days before Hurricane Maria)

7:08 PM

– Titi 1 (Mom’s oldest sister): Padre ayudanos llevar este caliz (Oh Father, help us carry this chalice)
Protege a Puerto Rico. (Protect Puerto Rico)

7:10 PM

– Me: Me das lastima a ver ustedes asi (It hurts me to see you all think this)
Que Dios te bendiga a todos y ojala que no hay mucho daño. (May God bless you all and hopefully there is not much damage done)

9:00 PM

– Mami: No te desperes no pierdas la paz y la tranquilidad (Do not despair, do not lose your peace and calmness)
Mucha fe (Much faith)
Vamos a unirnos en cadena de oracion por todos ustedes (Let’s get together to create a chain of prayers for everyone)

 

September 20, 2017 (Hurricane Maria lands)

12:11 AM

– Prima 1: Estamos austado (crying emoji) (We are scared)

– Prima 2: Se escucha feo (It sounds bad)

12:12 AM

– Prima 1: Si (Yes)

– Prima 2: Ya está haciendo viento… y los nene… Y se fue La Luz (It is already windy… and the kids…the electricity went out)

– Prima 1: F****n llorando… J***t también (F****n is crying and so is J***t)

12:13 AM

– Prima 2: Hay Dios. Bendito. Hay abrázalos hay Dios meda cosa (Oh God. Bless them. Hug them oh God I am getting goosebumps)
Yo no puedo ni dormer pendiente a todo lo q ponen de allá (I cannot sleep paying attention to all that is happening over there)

– Prima 1: Los tengo encima de mi (I have them [her children] on me)

12:19 AM

– Titi 1 (Mom’s oldest sister): Ahorra esta acienda viento (Now the wind is here)
EL SEÑO NOS CUIDE (GOD PROTECT US)
Hablale a los nenes (Talk to your kids)
Mantenlos abrazaditos (Keep them close)
Dios nos proteja (God will protect us)

12:31 AM

– Titi 1 (Mom’s oldest sister): Tranquila tienes que darle valor alos nenes y J**n (Calm down, you have to be strong for your kids and J**n)

12:39 AM

– Prima 1: No es fácil pero aquí estamos apoyando todos (It is not easy but here I am supporting everyone)
Se escucha muy feo (It sounds really bad)
La puerta de la sala se quiere abrir (My living room door wants to open) 

12:40 AM

– Prima 2: Hay seme paran los pelos. Al escuchar eso así yo me imajino los nenes hay dio me preocupan ellos q no saben (Oh, the hairs on the back of my neck are rising. To hear all of this I can only imagine how the kids must feel, oh God I worry for them, they do not know)

12:48 AM

– Titi 1 (Mom’s oldest sister): Si mi amor. Pero falta todavia no ha empezado esto son lad rafagás (Yes my love. But the hurricane has yet to start, only gusts of wind)
12: 50 AM

– Prima 2: Me escriben me tiene al tanto (Write to me, I am overwhelmed)
No importa la hora (The time of day does not matter)
Yo no puedo ni dormer ni tampoco quiero dormer (I cannot sleep and I also do not want to go to sleep)
Me paso pega al fbk viendo todo (I have spent my time on Facebook looking at everything unravel)

6:31 AM

– Prima 1: Estamos metido en el baño (We went inside the bathroom)

6:33 AM

– Prima 1: Se no está abriendo las ventanas (crying emoji) (The windows are opening)

Esto está horrible (This is terrifying)

6:41AM

– Prima 1: Estamos en bańo todos (We are all in the bathroom)

Metidos (All together)

Desde la 1 am (Since 1AM)

6:52 AM

– Titi 1 (Mom’s oldest sister): El palo de mango se rompio y rompio la verja (The mango tree fell and broke the fence)

6:59 AM

– Titi 1 (Mom’s oldest sister): Rompio el carro del vecino (It also fell on my neighbor’s car)

– Prima 1: Y el mio (crying emoji) (Mine too!)

8:02 AM

– Me: El huracán llego a noche entonces? (The hurricane arrived last night then?)

8:12 AM

– Titi 2 (Mom’s youngest sister): Estamos con vientos y sentellas (We have gusts of wind and lightning)

8:40 AM

– Me: Me llene de emoción entonces me puse rezar El Rosario… (I was overwhelmed with emotion I started to pray the rosary)

8:43 AM

– Prima 3: Dios mío q pase Esto,, estoy (poop emojis) (My God, what is this, I am…)

8:52 AM

– Titi 1 (Mom’s oldest sister): La casa inundada sacando agua se despego la pintura. Que esto Dios mio. Estoy esoterica. (My house flooded and the paint is stripping off. What is this my God. I am hysterical)

8:55 AM

– Prima 1: No tengo mucha señal (I do not have much reception)
9:00 AM
– Prima 1: Pero lo importante es que estamos bien (The important part though is that we are all okay)

10:47 AM
– Mami: Señor bendice mi islita a todos tus hijos y a mis seres queridos. Te lo pido señor (Lord, please bless my island, all your children, and my loved ones)

12:01 PM

– Mami: Como estans? (How is everyone?)

– Me: Parece que el señal esta mal Mami (I think the reception is bad Mami)

12:02 PM

– Mami: Si. Se cayeron unas torres de comunicacion (Yes. Some of the signal towers fell)
12:04 PM
– Me: Me puse rezar está mañana. No se qué pasó pero rompí a llorar cuando empecé diciendo la Santa María (I started to pray this morning. I do not know what happened but I burst out crying when I started reciting the Hail Mary)

12:07 PM
– Mami: Estamos preocupadaos por ellos es pore so (We are all worried for them)

A mi me pasa igual (This happened to me too)

11:41 PM

– Prima 2: Extraño los txt de mi familia (frown emoji) (I miss our family group chats)

11:42 PM

– Prima 2: Extraño a mami en hablar con ella (frown emoji) (I miss talking to my mom)

Los amo espero q estén bien todos (I love them and I hope they are all okay)

11:43 PM

– Me: A mi también. Era la 9 acá y me hizo falta la bendición de Madrina. Pero yo imagino que todavía piensan en nosotros como nosotros estamos pensando en ellos. (Me too. It was 9PM here and I missed having Godmother do our nightly blessing. I still think they are thinking about us as we are thinking about them)

11:44 PM

– Prima 2: Siii (frowning emojis) (Yeah…)

11:45 PM
– Prima 2: No puedo ni dormir (I cannot sleep)

Pensando en ellos (I am thinking about them)

Y dicen por fbk q alo major estén 3 mese sin o 6 sin electricidad o telefónica (On Facebook it says that it may take up to three months or six without electricity or telephone service)

11:46 PM

– Prima 2: Hay es donde más me esta doliendo sin saver de ellos tanto tiempo hay no no puedo (That is where it hurts the most without having a way of knowing how long it will be the next time we hear from them. I just cannot.)

 

September 21 to 26 (Six-day blackout, with no communication to Puerto Rico)

When people visit Puerto Rico for the first time, most people tell me their time was spent in San Juan ¾ only a sliver of the island. Now, did people know the state of the rest of Puerto Rico? I cannot say and neither did their Instagram photos show. They were, on the other hand, able to describe to me the beautiful scenery of the floating kites mimicking the birds on the open field of El Morro and trying a piragua de frambuesa (a raspberry snow cone) for the first time. The purpose to write this piece is not to highlight the behind the scenes of what does happen underneath all the touristy bits, which is the real Borinquén.

My parents grew up near the southwestern tip of Puerto Rico in a small town called Guayanilla, about two hours away from San Juan, the capital of Puerto Rico. The stories about their childhood lingered in my own imagination about the river that ran just behind my mom’s childhood home. The river absorbed the emotions of its surroundings. This included people who were visiting and the political climate. For some reason, the river could tell time and had a temperament of its own without giving much of a warning. The floods were an inconvenience, but the lack of movement never compared to the lack of movement occurring in the economy.

***

The easiest part about traveling to Puerto Rico is making sure the seat number corresponds to the ticket. In my most recent visit to Puerto Rico in the summer of 2017, I noticed the shift in the atmosphere and a sense of cultural shock, which funny enough, is not something I thought I would say. What was once my memory of Puerto Rico stayed behind in my childhood, buried in what I could remember as warm, inviting, and safe time. I was sitting at the only Burger King in Yauco the first morning since we landed in Puerto Rico for breakfast with my aunt, my dad’s sister. There was a mixture of smells, the old grease, fresh bleached floors, old paint. A man had come in that morning to charge his phone; perhaps he had a pending call or had been evicted the night before and had nowhere else to go.

 

“Y la nena, que quieres?”

 

I blankly stared at the Spanish advertisement of the new breakfast offer without realizing I had been asked the question of what I wanted to eat that morning. For simplicity, I went along with my aunt, a desayuno completo (a complete breakfast), which included pancakes, eggs, and sausage, but instead of the coffee I substituted with orange juice. However, my anxiety did not allow me to eat. In all the years, I visited Puerto Rico and the effort my family placed to keep my rose-colored image of Puerto Rico, had begun to dissolve in a matter of days. To see Puerto Rico with adult eyes I could not help but lament at the fact of how much this poor economy had drained the people inside. Even the billboard signs that advertised local department stores such as Pitusa and Kress, places that I once giggled in because the speakers blared loudly of uncensored English music, were sad, faded, and peeling off as we approached Burger King.

***

To understand the political climate in Puerto Rico, it is fair to introduce the current governor of Puerto Rico, Ricardo Roselló. Rosselló was elected as the governor of Puerto Rico in November of 2016 (London, 2016). Underneath the New Progressive Party, Rosselló is a governor who would favor Puerto Rico becoming a state within the United States. Although everyone is entitled to their own opinion, Puerto Rico is not in the right shape at the moment to add statehood into the agenda. When there are resources and funds appropriately distributed among the island to address the needs of the citizens of Puerto Rico and the fixes made to the destroyed infrastructure, then maybe this discussion could be reintroduced.

***

On the other hand, there is the Popular Democratic Party. They prefer Puerto Rico to be self-governed without converting into a state. The Popular Democratic Party favors autonomous decisions based on the needs of the island without much referral with the United States government. They view the Puerto Rican government as the ones who experience first-hand the economic hardships and are the ones who truly know how this influences the lives of their citizens. With this in mind, they believe what happens in Puerto Rico should be fixed among Puerto Ricans who live on the island.

***

You may wonder, where does the 45^th President of the United States Donald Trump fit into this equation? Puerto Rico is a United States territory after all, regardless which Puerto Rican government is in office, the president of United States holds a responsibility to take care of its territories. Since the beginning of Trump’s term in 2017, there have been changes which not only affected the “United States” but also ricocheted to influence Puerto Rico’s political climate and economy. There were moments where there was contemplation if Trump knows Puerto Rico is still part of the United States. No physical land mass connected United States to Puerto Rico like Houston, Texas, but both experienced their own hurricane in the same year. In Trump’s reaction time, this demonstrated where his responsibilities are, with Puerto Rico on the backburner. In the same week Hurricane Harvey happened, Trump arrived in Texas to show his regards. For Puerto Rico, thirteen days after Hurricane Maria happened, Trump arrived. A flight from Washington D.C. to Houston, Texas is about three hours, forty minutes. A flight from Washington D.C. to San Juan, Puerto Rico is seven hours, thirty minutes. I understand Puerto Rico is in the Caribbean’s and the double air time is needed to cross the Atlantic Ocean, but if he can travel to visit President Emmanuel Macron in Paris, an average ten-hour flight, then I find no excuse other than the lack of priority Trump’s has placed on the island. His agenda to take care of our home country is conflicted. By the way, his trip to Paris happened before the Hurricane Maria just to show his Air Force One does work.

My benefit of the doubt was short lived. He failed to provide assistance as he first mentioned in his first tweet about Hurricane Maria hitting the Caribbean’s:

 

@realDonaldTrump. (2017, September 19). Puerto Rico being hit hard by new monster Hurricane. Be careful, our hearts are with you- will be there to help!

When he came to visit Puerto Rico in October 2017, he accused the Mayor of San Juan, Carmen Yulín Cruz for not providing sufficient assistance to Puerto Rico when she was doing her best to find the missing family members drawn off by the hurricane. Trump tossing paper towels to the citizens of Puerto Rico (Silva, 2017), was not the idea many Puerto Ricans, including myself, found appealing in his first impression. Then he takes nearly a month after Hurricane Maria to get approval set for any assistance with the Federal Emergency Management Agency. In the catastrophic shape from the aftermath, we could no longer wait for Trump’s assistance so decided to begin GoFundMe pages. These self-initiated campaigns, most from the people of Puerto Rico for Puerto Rico, were used to start the restoration process and pick up the pieces of what the hurricanes left (Vinik, 2018). To point fingers at the Puerto Rican government for discrepancies Trump still fails to admit himself for which he could have easily taken initiative to address with a progressive approach. (Cillizza, 2017).

 Trump’s definition of assistance and mine are vastly different.

***

Although I traveled with my dad’s sister to Puerto Rico after she spent two weeks visiting the state of Texas with my immediate family, I spent most of the Summer 2017 in Puerto Rico with my mom’s youngest sister and her family. All the times I have traveled to Puerto Rico, I left and came back with what was familiar to me ¾ my immediate family. My concern to communicate to extended family members was non-existent. I blamed time and distance for not establishing a more profound connection then. All I relied on at the time was just by chiming in consistent waves. I mainly listened while answering brief questions about goals and aspirations when asked.

This trip was not one of those cases. I went through a readjustment period that only I was able to handle. I picked up and dusted off my Spanish after spending my spring college semester speaking only in English, and I left the comfort of my own collegiate independence. For my own encouragement, I told myself, now that you have been given the time to establish your relationships, you would only have yourself to blame if you do not. The reason I went to Puerto Rico was for an internship; the real reason was to reconnect. The first few weeks I had no outline to trace out where my boundaries were. Vulgarity is a sign of expression in Puerto Rico, but perhaps not so much for the niece who is staying over for the first time. To prevent this from happening, I spoke slowly and carefully. Each thought was filtered through, twice. The swear words became a mumble.

I remember in the beginning of my stay, both my aunt and I walked on eggshells hoping to find a common ground. We shared many moments of silence, with the occasional question what I wanted to eat. Throughout my internship routine, we grew comfortable in each other’s presence. When I rode with her to my internship, we listened to Felices los 4 by Maluma on the few working radio stations so many times, it became our song. In the hours I spent in my internship working alongside her, she filled me in on stories about our family. Some were pleasant while others were disappointing to hear. Not often I hear from my aunt’s perspective since most of my family news come from my mom and I am grateful to hear what news my mom omitted from me growing up. On our way back from work, her suegra (mother in-law) cooked dinner for my uncle, who is also my padrino (godfather), because both of them worked; it was her kind gesture to help out. After our late dinner and watching the 10PM news on Telemundo, we would go to bed. My uncle allowed me to take his spot in the bed and slept with my cousin in his because the air conditioner in the guest room was broken. Late in the night, my aunt poured her heart to me and thus felt secure to share my own aspirations and fears.

Within a month’s time, I managed to not only find my boundaries but also learn about the rest of the neighborhood. You see, when you live in any of the towns of Puerto Rico, there is a high chance someone knows you if you have a family member or friend who lives there. The number of times I have been asked, “eres la hija de [my dad] y [my mom], hay que linda eres! (you are the daughter of [my dad] and [my mom], oh look how pretty she has become!” and the times I found no words other than “sí” (yes), has been made into an inside joke among my aunt and me.

This revival in my aunt’s relationship made the transition easier for the remainder of my family; to feel and know I was no longer living in my parents’ shadow was the key to release me. I made my own name instead of living on only my parents’ names. Even though it is my parents’ names that remains well recognized around Guayanilla, I built upon the neglected part of my identity.

***

This was a blessing in disguise.

***

Summer of 2017 trip to Puertorro became a pivotal point in my adulthood. And I only found this out two months after leaving, with Hurricane Irma and Hurricane Maria. Both hurricanes landed two weeks apart from one another. Hurricane Irma landed September 6, 2017 with Hurricane Maria, September 20, 2017, becoming the icing on the cake; that Puerto Rico did not ask for either of the two. History does find a way to repeat itself. Time is measured in critical moments and with what was left, including me, remained a pre-Maria and a post-Maria Puerto Rico. Whenever I am in a conversation and the topic of Puerto Rico surfaces, I am first asked, “Oh, before or after the hurricane?”. Then when I mention I am from Puerto Rico, they offer condolences. Some by a sense of obligation or genuine sympathy, ask about the conditions of the island, about my family, the economy, and so forth to carry on the not-so-intended deep conversation. This is a reoccurring pattern and each time I go through this cycle, I gain more of a standpoint about where Puerto Rico is at within the United States.

In a Women’s and Gender Studies event in April of 2018, I had the opportunity to speak with Afro-Peruvian Favianna Rodriguez, an activist painter who addresses “migration, economic equality, gender justice, and ecology” (JustSeeds, 2018). In a student leadership discussion, one of the questions she asked all of us is who we advocate for. One by one, we went around the table to discuss our journeys and inspirations to arriving at the core of our activism. I must have been in autopilot mode for her question to strike me without having a response of my own. I realized that my activism did not have a clear focus and I simply jumped from project to project when opportunities came without thinking so much about myself.  So, I began to think, who do I exactly advocate for? For the longest time, I carried that question with me like a reminder on my feminist agenda. Though, I am amazed in how some of the simple questions do not come with simple answers. This became the time where I needed to come up with my own answers. Psychotherapy helped me to get closer to my purpose of activism. Through therapy, I learned how much my family was newly embedded into my identity to the point where I did shut down from not hearing back in the six-day blackout caused by Hurricane Maria. I was going through a different kind of separation anxiety and struggling to reestablish myself in my own world. But it was during this time I found myself in a more active state of mind. I was forced to look at myself in a truer, deeper way and I remembered how proud I am to be Puerto Rican. This is my identity since birth; it is who I am and when I felt the tension losing my newest part of my identity, I wanted people to know more about my roots and just why losing Puerto Rico was losing myself. Throughout this vulnerable time, I learned how to include my identity into my activism; Hurricane Maria brought the purpose back to the table. I made a personal promise with myself ¾ that my grief about Puerto Rico would turn into the stepping stones for my primary activism. As much as I would have loved to advocate in Puerto Rico, we also need representatives in the United States to broadcast what popular news stations are omitting on purpose. For an example, this is how independent radio political activist Jay Fonseca began, by exposing the Puerto Rican government’s discrepancies happening in the economy and in policies (Fonseca, 2018). The stations here romanticize Puerto Rico’s less wrecked parts and neglecting to mention how much assistance the majority of island still needs for essential living. The lack of clarity whether or not funds are dispersed continues as another main overlooked issue. Trump tweeted:

@realDonaldTrump. (2018, September 13). This was done by the Democrats in order to make me look as bad as possible when I was successfully raising Billions of Dollars to help rebuild Puerto Rico. If a person died for any reason, like old age, just add them onto the list. Bad politics. I love Puerto Rico!

 

I understand the economy was broken even before Hurricane Maria with a multi-billion-dollar debt crisis, but at least then, where is the assisting income for the natural disaster? If Trump says he sent billions of dollars to Puerto Rico, then how come government officials on the island are not struggling but the people of Puerto Rico are? Why do schools in Puerto Rico continue to close when they should be opening? I believe there is money, I also do believe the money is not arriving in the places needed such as in healthcare, education, and hurricane relief.

***

I was broken myself for a fragmented Puerto Rico and this became my fuel, whether or not I had supporters. With this fuel, I launched my own platform. Thus, I found my own voice, in order to advocate for those who did not have a voice. I consumed myself in research in Puerto Rico whenever I could. In which by learning and welcoming this new voice, I began to carry the voices of my peers and of my family. People of the United States need to know that even though Puerto Rico is dry, we have continued to drown. I had an urge to run and scream my pain so that maybe someone from Rosselló and or Trump’s administration would stop playing Monopoly with Puerto Rico and with our people for business. Our people cannot be bought by false or temporary solutions, if the Puerto Rican government or the United States government wants to invest, I want this investment to come with the best intentions of the people and the whole island not for a commercial profit to get more people to visit Puerto Rico’s touristy areas. The money must touch every person in need. I keep my temper but I do not let go of my pride. When I and all the rest of Puerto Rico shout:

 

“YO SOY BORICUA, PA QUE TU LO SEPAS (I AM A BORICUA, SO THAT YOU KNOW)!”

 

We say this with every ounce of the literal tears, sweat, and blood that has been shed. For the 2,975 and more we lost in Hurricane Maria (Newkirk, 2018), we hug our loved ones harder. For my great uncle who did not have electricity to continue his kidney dialysis and died a month after, we prayed he made it to the Kingdom of Heaven. For my friend in Cidra who built her home from scratch to have Hurricane Maria take that away from her, we wish for the inner strength and opportunity to rebuild. For those who were forced to leave the island for better opportunities, we hope they find employment in the States to support themselves and their families without having to justify their U.S. citizenship. For all my comadres and compadres (close friends) who lost their homes and still do not have electricity or clean running water, I ask you my reader, why is this taking so long? For those, like myself, who felt helpless and useless to be so far from the island, we continue to fight.

Nuestro patriotismo es el señal de fuego, conocidos entre nosotros, y no se puede sofocar. (Our patriotism is a fire signal, well known within ourselves and it cannot be extinguished)

***

At least Trump said no to statehood (Associated Press, 2018).

 

 

 

References

Associated Press. (2018, September 24). Trump says no statehood for Puerto Rico as long as San Juan mayor is in office. Los Angeles Times. Retrieved from http://www.latimes.com/nation/la-na-trump-puerto-rico-20180924-story.html#

Cillizza, C. (2017, October 1). Trump sent 18 tweets on Puerto Rico on Saturday. And made things a whole lot worse. CNN Politics. Retrieved from https://www.cnn.com/2017/10/01/politics/trump-tweets-puerto-rico/index.html

Fonseca, J. (2018). De Jay Fonseca. Podcast retrieved from https://www.jayfonseca.com/

JustSeeds. (2018). Favianna Rodriguez. Retrieved from https://justseeds.org/artist/faviannarodriguez/

London, J. (2016, November 17). MIT alumnus elected governor of Puerto Rico. Retrieved from https://alum.mit.edu/slice/mit-alumnus-elected-governor-puerto-rico

Newkirk II, V. R. (2018, August 28). A year after Hurricane Maria, Puerto Rico really knows how many people died. The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2018/08/puerto-rico-death-toll-hurricane-maria/568822/

realDonaldTrump. (2017, September 19). Puerto Rico being hit hard by new monster Hurricane. Be careful, our hearts are with you- will be there to help! [Twitter Post]. Retrieved from https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/910328626075389952?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E910328626075389952&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fmashable.com%2F2017%2F10%2F03%2Fdonald-trump-puerto-rico-response-numbers%2F

realDonaldTrump. (2018, September 13). This was done by the Democrats in order to make me look as bad as possible when I was successfully raising Billions of Dollars to help rebuild Puerto Rico. If a person died for any reason, like old age, just add them onto the list. Bad politics. I love Puerto Rico! [Twitter Post]. Retrieved from https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1040220855400386560

Silva, D. (2017, October 8). Trump defends throwing paper towels to hurricane survivors in Puerto Rico. NBC News. Retrieved from https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/trump-defends-throwing-paper-towels-hurricane-survivors-puerto-rico-n808861

Vinik, D. (2018, March 27). How Trump favored Texas over Puerto Rico. Politico. Retrieved from https://www.politico.com/story/2018/03/27/donald-trump-fema-hurricane-maria-response-480557)

My September Puerto Rico

August 30, 2017. About a week ago, marked the year Hurricane Irma first hit Puerto Rico. This hurricane managed to leave about half the island without homes, form of communication, electricity or running water. September 16, 2017. In a few days, will mark the year the consecutive hurricane to hit, Maria. This hurricane is what personally traumatized me.

Disclaimer: This blog post will not include much facts, though I highly recommend you do some research because I am crushed for the little progress that has been made under Trump administration and with some of Puerto Rico’s crooked government officials. This is more of what expression the hurricane has left me. Remember, Puerto Ricans are Americans too.

Last year, towards the end of June I visited the island of Puerto Rico after three years — this trip was a bit more special because this was the first time I went to Puerto Rico as an adult and without my immediate family. My parents are my bridge when it comes to communicating with my family since by the time I was born, my family were already living in the states. My opportunity to live with extended family was not made possible until that summer, this was the summer that changed my definition for family. I finally was able to accept the offered space my extended family have opened after all these years and they became a part of my comfort zone.  Now I can talk to my aunts at almost the same level I talk to my mom and that is actually a pretty big step for me.

I was able to rekindle my familial relationships and I feel that is one of the reasons for feeling like my life stopped for the whole week (and the aftermath) of not hearing back from my family. With reestablished bonds, I had created a more in-depth emotional attachment. The hurricane approaching felt like a car accident, you can see the car coming at full speed but there is nothing that you can do to stop it, so instead, you embrace yourself for the hit, hoping that whatever happens, you survive along with everyone else. I am someone who will give you a limb if you need one, so the fact that I felt so helpless, I further burrowed myself in despair. I was only able to keep up with the news on Hurricane Maria’s tracks, and pray constantly that I was going to hear back soon from my family. I was in so much disbelief and anxious, I honestly do not know how I managed to not miss a day of class when I felt any given moment could have been a mental breakdown moment.

I remember living my life that week like if I was still living in a horrible dream, and I kept quiet for most of the beginning because I knew if I talked, then it would make everything real and that I had to deal with it. I wasn’t emotionally and mentally strong to admit to myself that Hurricane Maria did happen and it wasn’t just me going through it but the whole Puerto Rican community. Families trying to find their loved ones, loved ones trying to reach out on the island from the states, families trying to leave the island, families trying to get medical attention or any kind of attention, Puerto Rico went through their own apocalypse, and the whole world was watching. So many tears were shed, so much frustration from the lack of assistance, so many swear words, just trying to find a bit of peace within the chaos. Music during the time was one of the stable points that brought awareness that Puerto Rico was (and still is) suffering. Songs from Farruko, a compilation done with Lin-Manuel Miranda, and Xantos, that illustrated all of what I was feeling, I went through a phase where I was just listening to their songs and similar emotion-filled music. At least when I listened, I knew what I was feeling was mutual and I didn’t have to explain myself.

The music definitely helped, but I was still not talking as much about Hurricane Maria and I also wasn’t talking to my parents, I had stopped reaching out to friends because I did not want to them to worry at the time (yes, they know now) so I went to therapy. For the rest of my semester, I spent a huge chunk of my time rewiring my perspective on life. I was still sad and I did not sense much of a difference in the beginning but therapy was helping so I kept on going. I am telling you, Hurricane Maria has left me an emotional scar and I thought I was over it but I have been mistaken. I honestly don’t know if it is going away.

I am not asking for someone to validate my emotions or my feelings, because I know they are real. I am the one who ends up dealing with them, some days better than others. So fast forward to current day, I get extra anxious now any time hurricane season approaches or when we are in hurricane season. I immediately hope the season to end so I wouldn’t have to worry so much. Any new hurricane update, I am praying it is no where near home. This is simply something that I have to learn to live and manage with and I cannot expect you to understand but I think it is important to share these experiences. Through all of this, I have learned that when you feel something, you should not wait for the right moment, you should just say it. No matter how unscripted it is. Any moment is the right moment to tell someone how you feel. And you should not take your family for granted, find an appreciation for them each day.

I may have felt alone for most of this aftermath, but lets make this an open conversation so that we shouldn’t have to feel excluded.

 

xx Chavelita

My sporadic return

In my year hiatus from blogging, I would have to say, a lot of things have surfaced into my life. While I will not be sharing all of those experiences with you today, I do want to say that I quite miss the writing and the reflecting in this blog. I also miss you, my audience, who have been on this journey with me of figuring out who I am (which I still am because when are you not?). Perhaps a good place to start is by giving you a bit of an update of what I have been up to.

1. I am graduating from college this fall with a Bachelor’s in Psychology and a minor in Women’s and Gender Studies! — Even though I am not the first in my family to graduate from college, just the fact that my imagination of walking the red carpet holding my diploma is getting closer, gives me a strong sense of emotion and pride. The bittersweetness is another thing. I am happy but I know I will miss this part of my life, the experiences, and the friendships that shaped a big part of my growing identity.
2. I am currently in the process of applying for graduate school!! — Goodness, it still feels weird to share this, it was as if I just graduated from high school and was crying on my mom’s shoulder when she left me at the dorms for the first time. Even being the organized person I am, I must admit, the process of preparing, applying, and researching schools has been a stressful one, so I have been leaning a lot on my parents to piece together the pieces of sanity I have left.
3. I have been putting more of a focus on my spiritual life. I am part of the staff who holds retreats for college students in my college. I took a week long class this summer to learn more about miracle scriptures in the Bible. Recently attended a retreat this month. So far, it is safe to say that my faith is growing and I am acknowledging this part of my life. This is a big part of the reason for why I have not yet lost my mind with these big transitions in my life. And I actually noticed that I am more satisfied and happy with my life — all plus sides!
4. I turned 21! — When I turned 21 this July, it was quite anti-climatic… the birthday was still wonderful though! I didn’t have my first legal drink on my birthday, but I did plunge (more like walked in slowly, wincing and nervously laughing) myself in below 40 degree temperature pond water. You best believe I could not feel my bottom half torso. I don’t know, I was just picturing myself testing my alcohol limits but my 21st ended up as one I can treasure.
5. When I am not living at home with my parents, I am in my apartment. There is just something about having a place of my own (with the inclusion of roommates) that has allowed me to grow and figure things out for myself. I managed to keep myself alive with my cooking/eating, cleaning, sleeping, and occasional night outs (I’ll go more in detail about my night out experiences as there have been quite a few of those haha).
6. Traveled. Last year around this time I went to Puerto Rico to visit my family after not seeing them in over three years. Partially to do an internship while the other part to catch up with my family. I am super grateful for that given month because it helped solidify my relationships with my extended family especially my aunt who allowed me to stay with her the whole time I was there. I went to New Mexico in December (2017) and in January. I went to Houston for my first out of the city research conference in April. Went to South Padre Island in May to celebrate the end of my third year of college and Mother’s Day. And went to Colorado to visit my oldest brother.
7. Fallen friendships. I let go of two close friendships. Sometimes you find yourself tired of defeating the odds. I know that sounds a bit rude, but my mental health was not heading in the right direction. It was time to let go.
8. Met my sister in Christ. I believe when you reached your ultimate bottom and you think you do not deserve what fine things in life has to offer, someone comes along to tell you that you deserve the FINER things in life. I met my sister in Christ at a retreat, the interesting part is that I already knew she was the one in the first conversation we had. (I’ll definitely have a separate blogpost of our friendship — she has been a light for me)

I am pretty sure I am missing a few updating bits, but do not worry, as I remember them, I will be writing about them. You’ll just have to continue reading to find out!

P.S. I want to continue providing advice for you all, as this after all started as an advice blog. I am open to give wisdom in areas that I have experience(d) in.

 

xx Chavelita

To the person who changed my life

To the person who changed my life,

I like to think that nothing happened between us. Do not get me wrong, I still like to look at pictures of us and smile because we were both spending life to the fullest like how it is supposed to be spent. You told me stories about your past that you may have kept to yourself, you let me see your heart for what it was worth. I found that to be very noble because even though you had to be strong, it was a reminder that you were still just a person like me. You inspired me to chase my dreams and follow what I thought was right. When I struggled to sort my friendship problems, it was not so bad because you were there to crack frustrating jokes that made me laugh when I wanted to cry. Not only did you treat me with the outmost respect but have always put my needs before yours. Our insiders were so weird, explaining it to someone would not do its justice. If people were to see us in public, they would not have doubt our relationship and may have even envied us. Those were the simple days, when I was naive and believed that my fairytale would one day come true.

And then “it” happened.

I do not blame myself for what happened and I also do not blame you anymore. I like to think you were confused and made a mistake. You would not do something with the intention of hurting the ones you love. Everyone makes mistakes and you always found it in yourself to forgive me, and so I also forgave you. I want to forget “it” happened and to start clean. I really do because I miss you. Since “it” happened, you have not been yourself and I find that to be one of the most heartbreaking realizations. But I cannot forget what happened. I do not know if I ever will forget. And forgetting has been a lot harder than I imagined. My image of you is broken right now and I am still trying to work out how to put the pieces back together. So if I do not call you often or if we do not talk about topics like we used to, it is because I am not ready yet. But I want to take steps to getting somewhere close even if they are baby steps.

I wonder, if you wonder what I learned from this life changing moment.

Well for starters, you have taught me that without the bad we cannot have the good. I learned to have confidence in myself and own it. When someone tells me that something is not possible, to view it as a challenge and not as the default. To not fall for guys who do not fit my standards or to start dating because I am feeling lonely or bored. Have trust in myself more than anyone else because at least I can tell when I am lying. Do not lie to the people you love and if you do, you should fix it. You have made it concrete to keep my honesty policy active and always be honest even when I want to avoid the problem. I have learned to always keep God in the center of my life because a love between a person may be temporary but love from God is everlasting.

I am constantly praying for you, for us. I cannot change you, you have to change yourself. I hope you make the right decisions, put the effort to fix your mistakes, that you forgive yourself because you deserve it, and remember all of the beautiful memories we had in those moments you feel alone and lost. I am still here. We are all still here, waiting for you to come back with open arms. I believe in the magic of the Lenten season that with God’s help we are able to piece all of the brokenness together.

I love you and I never stopped.

xx Chavelita

The need versus the want

In the moments of finishing one of the selected series I found on the internet to watch, it has really brought to my concern of the differences between the need for a man and the want of a man. I suppose I can toss in my last night dream into this thought stew. Last night after falling asleep reading a book on colonialism for history and watching an episode of Awkward (the TV show not the adjective), I had a dream that I had a man friend like Matthew McKibben. Strongly built, approachable, supportive, if safe was a way to describe someone, my dream man was safe. Do not get me wrong, being short I had thought that was one of the reasons why I was overseen but I believe that to be the least of my reasons. In the last episode Matthew McKibben tells Jenna Hamilton that before she makes a decision that will change her life, she should choose herself first, that no guy should be the reason why she base a decision over. The whole scene, I was at tears. If I had a guy friend who I went through everything with and had committed to so many first experiences, and instead of being full of it that I should be with him, but gave me the space to make my own decision then I would have been sold too.

I will have to admit, in the time that I have given myself exposure to different literatures of feminism, I had thought that as a independent woman, I did not need a man to make me happy. Which I still find true, but I neglected to think, what if I wanted a man?

That had to be different.

I had thought that wanting a man was kind of hypocritical of me to say but because I consider myself a feminist, it does not mean I would not like to have a man in my life. I would love the company of a man, of course one that will treat me right and will be okay that my every moment will not be spent with him. Hopefully one who will be proud of my accomplishments and who will not bring me down because I wear the pants in my personal and professional life. The need of a man and the want are two separate ideas, at least from I see it. I can relate, I will not hide it, when I finish watching shows that uphold some amazing relationship goals, I cannot help but put myself in their place. I know they’re only fiction, but a girl should still have the right to dream about whatever she wants without feeling guilty. Which is another thing I lacked to consider in my moments. A empowering woman is someone who is true to herself and will accept her flaws, not someone who has been pushing away her emotions like I have been doing lately.

I have to make a confession. I fall into temptation of the little voice in my head that I will not find someone from time to time but who hasn’t? I have read some pretty interesting articles about relationships, singlehood, and self-seeking which were pretty eyeopening at the moment, I did feel as though I was on top of a mountain but then it all just became empty words. I have downloaded dating apps seeking guys just to make the voice shut up. But then I make a full circle and realize what I am doing. Dating to date is not what I am seeking. I have met some interesting guys but nothing that has to be forced is worth it. My mom constantly tells me to this day, I should ask God and to pray to Him whenever I feel hopeless. She would always tell me that I will find someone, I just need to give it time. In the beginning I took her words to heart but then the same hopeless emotions would swallow me again and I guess I let it win. I thought little of guys and relationships. I dropped the idea of getting married and wanting a family. My mom at some point even asked me if I still liked men when I had asked her if she would be upset if I did not marry a man. I was too busy making sure that I did not appear weak that I forgot about myself. Literature could be a great escape but I also have to remember to come back.

In all, feeling lonely sucks. Sometimes it is not even the couples you see that make you feel a bit less than but more so that you have all these wonderful qualities and dreams and its waiting your turn that makes you frustrated. There will be days that you will feel like shit and you want to pull out the closest comfort food and cuddle the nearest pillow but just know that the feeling is mutual. Listen to those who have your back and do not take it for granted. They are telling you those things for a reason not just to make you feel better. Please do not hide who you are, give yourself plenty of chances, and do not be too hard on yourself. We will find the swing of things.

From a sister to a sister.

xx Chavelita

The love complex

A couple of days ago, I went to the office to help around where I work. Each week on Friday afternoons, for an hour, I visit the office to see what needs to be done before we hit the weekend. Most of the time I am cleaning for the fact that I work the last hour of the week. Yet, there was this one time in particular, I started talking to one of my colleagues who I do not normally speak with, let alone the in depth topics I am passionate to discuss. Opening up to someone takes time for me to insure that I can actually trust someone, but my colleague was able to overpass all of my layers of security. I find such raw, authentic behavior to be exotic and mesmerizing. I know not everyone portrays their behavior that way which is why I am instantly drawn by those who do.

One of our topics consisted of relationships. Current time, relationships are being seen more as a stamp of approval from others. Since when did our love lives start having the need to please others? Whatever happened to, “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4)? Most of life is now a form of competition. Who will be the first to graduate from college? The first to get a job after college? The first to buy a house? Now, who will find everlasting love first? I feel relationships to have been primed with happiness, completion, and love. While on the other hand, to remain single you are perceived as a misfit, unsuccessful, and vain more so for a woman compared to a man if I can add. You are not taken as seriously when you are single or that there just has to be something wrong with you because you decide to remain single. At the same time though, being in a relationship may appear like your life is more put together but you are still questioned about your freedom of choice. Is there any real winners?

For the longest time, I have been imagining myself with my ideal man. I can be walking to class and he will be there. Doing my homework and he interrupts my computations. Now lets be honest, to have someone love you as much as you love them sounds like a dream. Maybe life would be easier if you found someone who was compatible and shared the same interests as you. Someone who will be there for the beautiful and the ugly moments and still decides to stay in your life. But those are just [my] imaginations, based on what? Based on the media. Here is a few to list. We grow up watching movies with these perfect guys who is supposed to save the day and cherish you until the end of the world i.e. Disney fairytale movies. Video games where you need to rescue the princess from the monsters in castles i.e. Super Mario. On the other hand, for guys they grow up that they need to fit the attractive masculine male to get the girl i.e. Fast and Furious.

This also comes down to our view on masculinity and femininity. Just like we want to feel our sense of belonging within our communities, masculinity and femininity act like the memberships to getting in society. If you do not quite fit in then you are excluded. I cannot speak on their behalf but I want to say that is why LGBTQ+ individuals find a struggle to find their footing. The movies that I mentioned above consisted of heterosexual relationships, but what about relationships that do not include heterosexuality? Our mind loves to formulate heuristic schemas and scripts to use as shortcuts. I admit, I sometimes fall as a cognitive miser myself. We tend to follow these scripts like gospel until it no longer fits in our favor and instead of creating an extended version to include other genders, we put them in a block list. Not sure how that will help us understand the multiplexity of genders but before we can make the necessary changes in how society views those who are not from hegemonic class is to make aware that this a problem.

A part of me wants to blame evolutionary psychology as well. Evolutionary psychology states that traits such as attractiveness and health have been key components of how mates build their relationship. Women are careful choosers when it comes to men because they need to be able to trust that the one they choose to have their offspring has good healthy traits. In addition, women need to know that the men is not only a good fit in looks and genes, but also be able to provide resources to assist both the child and them. Men tend to look for attractive women who will carry on their legacy and pass on their genes. (Again this does not account for those who are not from a heterosexual sexuality) This all goes down to one’s survival and this is such a frustrating truth I have learned this semester of college. Even when we may not try to be judgmental with who we see ourselves with, evolutionary psychology implicitly sits in the back to remind us of our ancestral roots.

Are you now starting to understand why it is so complex to find a single solution to solve the identity crisis? Welcome to the world of feminism.

What other standards makes you question your position?

xx Chavelita

Journey to the hands of God

I recently wrote this with the intention of reading this to my former confirmation teacher’s class but I decided to freely speak without it. I still thought it was worth the share because reflecting over this, I have come to realize, my faith did go through a transformation period.

When I started college last year (2015-2016), I had just turned 18 about a month ago and with a milestone age of entering young adulthood, I couldn’t help but ask myself a lot of questions in the times where I was alone away from my parent’s supervision. My church was about a mile away from my freshman dorm, it took me about twenty minutes (depending how quickly or leisurely I decided to walk) to get to mass. In college, I experimented a lot to see what fitted into my new life. When it came to my religion, I took many detours. I had gone to masses in English with college students that I did not know and I have gone to Spanish mass with more people I did not know. Overall, I decided to stick to Spanish mass because it was one of the very few times where I felt at home and safe to be myself. Not that I did not feel safe in my own living space because my former roommate accepted me for who I am, but I needed a more sense of security that only my faith was able to provide. Though what I did not consider is the transition itself from my community established church back at home to going to a church where I felt no connection. The first few Sundays I struggled going to mass alone. Sitting alone in mass, I had constantly wished for at least a companion to go to church with me to relieve some of the homesick feeling I found hard to manage. I want to say that was one of the reasons why I temporarily stopped going to mass. To feel nostalgic and sad when going to church, was not on my list of emotions to feel when practicing my faith. Instead I made up excuses, I told myself that I was too tired to go to mass and that I needed to finish homework before the week started again. Only the more times I missed church, the more miserable, confused, and stressed out I felt. Independence is something a lot of people long for when they graduate from high school, I know I did, but there is also a price that comes along with it. You begin to realize the person you truly are when you are not around your parents, at least that is how I felt going to college out of my hometown, you find yourself in a wave of nostalgia. There were moments where I did not watch old childhood movies because it made me miss my brothers too much. In those moments, you know that you are going through a transformation that only you and God know. Only God knows more of the plans and you tend to just catch up with time. I remember my parents would call and ask me if I went to church the following Sundays and sometimes I did but most times in my first semester of freshman year I said that I did not go to church. And even though I did not see my parents face to face, I could not help but feel guilty and disappointed in myself. God always puts in the time for me and I felt the least I can do is give Him one day out of my busy week to reconnect. It wasn’t until I went back home for spring break and went through confession that I had come to my senses that through my period of finding out who I was, God already knew who I was going to become and has always been there with open arms ready to catch me if I were to fall. Then you start to think and realize that only God would do something like that for you. I felt I did not deserve all the accomplishments and opportunities I was given in my freshman year of college because I was not going to church regularly. I even asked myself, “what did I do to deserve this?”.

 

I will not lie; it is so easy to fall within the cracks of college when you do not have God in the center of your life. And I know many of you have heard that saying so many times that you can recite it in your sleep, but I agree. After confessing in March, I pulled myself together. I started going to church more often, I started to make Catholic friends who would invite me to church or to some of the church activities. Going into my sophomore year of college at 19 (2016-2017), I got better at going to church on my own. I started to sing more at church and opened myself up to meeting new people from my new community. The complex thoughts that I had were starting to make more sense. I still get homesick sometimes but this time when I go to church is like I am at home again. You sing the same songs and you start to see familiar faces, the community eventually starts to grow on you. As a mentor this year, one of the students I mentor is religious and we are constantly talking about the works of God. College triggers a lot of my anxiety and going to church was one of the ways where I found myself replenished from all the work done within the week. When I do not go to church I feel like I had hit a bump in a road and the week becomes more challenging to complete. Until you go back to church, it’s like getting a big warm hug from God. God also works in the most baffling ways. God knows when you are taking detours and He also knows of ways to bring you back to church whether you feel it at first or not. God sent me angels inviting me back to church multiple times throughout my semesters and it was not until this year that I finally accepted His invitation to be a more involved Catholic during college. I learned that instead of finding reasons or excuses for why God does not fit in my life, I found it is better to go along with Him. When challenging God, I always know He is going to win me over, so what is the point of pushing Him away? I thought I was persistent, but no one is more persistent than my Father.

What religious stories do you have that has shaped your faith today?

xx Chavelita

 

The truth is…

For a while now I feel like I have not been completely myself with you all and it is not because I do not trust you all, but because I was not sure of what has been going on with me. You would think once when you graduate from high school, you go through the phase where you are just like well, what do I do now with all of this time? Do I continue my education or will I find another path to follow? You then settle with your decision and take the necessary steps to go through the transition. Seems pretty orthodox, but I feel as though I am still stuck on that transition phase. I am still having a troubling time putting in the words to describe how I feel right now and I think that could be the source of where all my anxiety is coming from. As deliberate as I say this, I do live day by day. I do not enjoy seeking too far into the future but the past is something I also do not want to touch. Lets put it this way, I am like this bird, feeling free soaring in the sky enjoying the moments when they come but where I am flying is still a mystery and that is what terrifies me.

I want to say I am a good actress. I act like I have everything is together which is only slim of the truth. If you follow me on social media you will see that most of my posts are trying to uplift people from whatever it is they are going through and I genuinely do want people feeling happier whenever we connect, but at the same time I am trying to save myself. I am no where close to perfect and that pressure is destroying me. In honesty, some days I do feel like giving up, I want to call in sick and stay in bed instead, and isolate myself at least until I find my step again. A personal day we will leave it at that. That is what most people do not know. Finding yourself is ugly but at the same time beautiful because only you are able to know what are the true differences that has made you the person you are today. This independent life has definitely brought out a lot of myself I would have never known if I stayed in my hometown. I would not have met so many people from different walks of life, connected to my faith in such a way that leaves me wrapped in sense of security among the inconsistency, and find a new love within myself among all of the hardships. The changes are so profound at times, I can picture my life apart from my parents when last year I was so scared to leave them on my first semester of college. I love my parents do not get me wrong, but I have grown to like having the freedom to choose what will be my next step without outside influences.

In continuation with the honesty theme, I in fact use profanity. I am nineteen, I am a young adult, and I should not have to feel guilty for using words that currently describe how I feel. I am no longer the little girl you all have met in the past, well only applies to those who have met when I was younger, I cannot continue being her. And I am not going to feel apologetic for wanting a change in myself. A change that I feel will benefit me and continue in these moments of discovering more about myself. I find joy to speak about taboo topics, politics, research, what I read over the past few days, and just about anything hot and worth speaking on. Is the only way where I feel connected with people and gives me a sneak peek into what their thought process consists of. Rawness is so rare but that is what I love to see in others when this world has become so artificial. I will not continue to hide myself. You can either accept me for who I am now or there is the door.

Another thing is that I should not feel guilty for feeling happy. Many of you may relate to this as well, but when I am happy then I enjoy this feeling to the fullest. My natural happiness comes in inconsistent waves and so when they do come, I do my best to soak them all in. I am not trying to be a show off, I am not trying to impress anyone, I do it for myself because I also deserve happiness and love. Which is something that I have been struggling so much to hold on to. When I am given compliments instead of accepting them I feel skeptical. Not sure how I have gotten to that point but I need to start holding on to some of that happiness and love instead of handing it out like kleenex. Such precious feelings and that should be cherished in case of the rainy days. Self-care is unquestionably important and I cannot believe how much of that has slipped within my grasp but this realization has made me reconsider my choices. I hope to find my happy medium soon among all these feelings, emotions, and phases.

I am going to start living for myself.

 

xx Chavelita

When you need a little pep in your step

This will just be a just because blogpost, not that I am feeling sad at the moment but I just wanted to just sit here and type to you all. I really hope that you, my fellow readers, are having a great day/week/month/year. Whether it is the first week back in college like myself, exciting new year of new work related activities or just a month filled with twists and turns because life loves throwing those curve balls at us, really hope that you are managing. On days like these when my day is not so busy and I have a moment to gather my racing thoughts, I take the time to reflect. For an example this morning, going through my Twitter profile I was looking through the pictures that I have posted throughout the years and I am amazed at how far I have gotten. Even accepting the cringe worthy days, they all served a purpose to get me where I am today. Yet in the moment when those photos or pictures were posted, I was reminded that not every moment went as smoothly as I remembered. When I would fall into the voices of my head that I was not good enough, I would post pictures like this one,

because I was sure that somewhere on the other side of a computer screen could use the nice words. I could be on the verge of losing my mind but if I am able to help someone or get through them, mending their heart also mends mine. I am also aware that I have a tendency to absorb emotions from other people but for the most part I am also good at handling as long as I have someone who is willing to listen to me. Just as someone is there for me, I want to be that person for others. This also plays a big role of why I want to be a psychologist and work with the mentally ill. There are days where you do not have control of your emotions and you want to shut away the familiar because you do not want to feel anymore. Depression kicks in or anxiety has you spending the nights with the thoughts that just won’t shut up or bipolar has you feeling all sorts of different emotions in various time shifts, I still want to understand these people. Because yes they are people who go by their first name not by the condition that they may have. For all I know, they may be looking for someone who will listen and give them a chance to attempt to explain what is going on without being judged for thinking differently.

In high school I perceived myself as one of the underdogs who was probably recognized from a distance but rarely approached so I spent most of the time learning about myself on my own. For most of that time I had thought I was doing something wrong because I kept a lot to myself and a few of my close friendships were crumbling left and right, so of course young adolescent me would blame herself. Spent my lunches alone and consumed in books, I at first felt silly and hoping that no one asked me why I was eating lunch alone my last semester of my senior year of high school. Eventually I got comfortable exploring new things on my own and expanding my mind to greater things that I would have not thought of getting into one being politics. But I am here to tell you that even in college I still see myself as the underdog but to be an underdog does not mean you are worth less than the next person. I see the underdog as someone who is humble, sympathetic, and generous. We may not get enough credit from others but we sure give each of ourselves the validation and credit to continue on our path even when we may be the only one on it and honestly that is pretty much all you need. If you can find a place in your heart to love yourself for who you are and who you are about to become, then you are already so many steps ahead from the rest. Self-acceptance and self-care are two very important elements that should be told on a daily basis to yourself and multiple times throughout the day (and to others if you are feeling extra loving that day). So repeat with me:

“I am enough.”

Yeah you. You are enough. I am enough. We are all enough. Popularity as I see it through a psychology major student, is just a placebo. A placebo where people use to their advantage of making themselves feel good about themselves temporarily until they learn of a more permanent method of accepting themselves. So for those who are still going to middle school or high school or even for my college students, popularity is a hierarchy and you are the one who gives it power so depending how much power you apply to that hierarchy is up to you, so choose wisely how much power you want to give the status of popularity.

Life can be rough sometimes, but there are also silver linings if you only remember to look.

What has been something that you have experienced that motivates you today?

xx Chavelita

My therapy journey

One may think, but she seemed so happy when I last saw her, what do you mean she was on the verge of losing herself? Which is how most if not all downfalls start, without warning and without mercy. You could be at the top of the mountain one day and the next swallowed up by the remaining rubble of that same mountain. No one gets to choose their problem they are just handed out like vendors passing out unwanted flyers of their latest product but you do get to decide how you want to handle that problem. I will not go into detail as to what exactly happened that made me fall into a vortex of sadness, anxiety, and nights of restless sleep but I still want to discuss how therapy changed my life.

Pre-therapy journey, the discovery point:

Halfway through the month of May, this year, I was sitting in the back of the family van heading home from completing my first year of college. Excited and accomplished as one could be, the adrenaline and the mixture of emotions were still highly present. I had left a note behind for my roommate, thanking her for all that she has done for me during the year and for providing a safe, open environment where I was able to be completely myself without judgment. There was about 100 miles that was between us and my hometown when the disturbing truth came out. I was in complete denial, that could of not been happening to my family while I was off in college… And that is the thing, when you are in college hundreds of miles away from your family, the news catch up to you, you essentially become the last one to find out. In the moment of finding out, I felt paralyzed and the tears would not stop running down my cheeks. In the back of the van, with all of my belongings, crying and trembling in the dark. So much denial I had in myself and the most famous lie that we carry with ourselves, “that cannot happen to me”. When truth is though, anything could happen we just cannot imagine it until it actually happens to us. The first two weeks of finding out, were the hardest. While I was confused and trying to figure out what just happened, I felt I needed to be strong and hold my composure for my family. I would get frustrated when I felt helpless that I was not able to do anything to make the situation any better. Anything that I had said, if I said anything, felt like putting a bandaid on a broken limb. With that same cycle of frustration and feeling helpless, I was falling deeper and deeper into my sadness. Yet how could you be strong when any little thing or even remembering what happened brought in a lot of distress? I slept a lot during this time, I had found it to be the only way to calm myself down. Sleeping eventually did not work. I would wake up in the middle of the night without being able to go back to sleep and when I would wake up in the morning I still felt sad and restless. I would describe it as waking up to a nightmare. Not even through sleep I was able to escape the emotions that surrounded my every thought. I believe that I also suffer from anxiety so constantly worrying about the situation and not being able to function normally, I was starting to hit that point of feeling absolute miserable. My life was put on hold, going out was not in my agenda, and letting out my frustrations did not make me feel any better. My denial was so strong, I would try to lie myself even more to make me feel better. I barely told anyone about my situation for two reasons, because I did not want people to change the way they view me and because I was not sure how. Expressing my emotions has always been difficult for me to do. For an example, while my mom had left for Puerto Rico for a family emergency, my dad was left in charge of taking care of me and my brothers. My mom usually did my hair and so my dad took over the role. I want to say it was his first time brushing anyone else’s hair because he would tug on my tangles and instead of telling him, I kept quiet and the tears rolled down my cheeks. Speaking up triggers my anxiety so if I ever speak up just know it took a lot of me than you know to do so. About the third week, on the way to the gym with my mom, I had finally admitted that I needed professional help. I picked up the phone and I scheduled my first psychiatric appointment.

First month of therapy (June):

In the waiting room of the clinic, I had checked myself in and was given this evaluation sheet to fill out. For the first time in weeks, I had felt like I could be completely honest with myself and with my emotions without having to explicitly describe what I have been feeling. Emotions are complicated and furthermore when you do not know how to explain exactly how you are feeling, you just know that you do not feel well. I know I wanted to seek help and that I was going to continue going until I felt stabilized. I had two specialists helping me in this journey. The first specialist, was my psychiatrist who I still think he was not from the United States, who was the first to hear me out. My psychiatrist was the one who evaluated me, pinpointed what my situation was causing to my mental health. He had given a great amount of resources to assist my anxiety, sadness, and sleep. The first time discussing my story, to both my psychiatrist and later to my therapist, I was not able to keep my composure. I needed to take breaks because as soon as I was opening up, my immediate response was to cry. Which for me was normal, but what was not normal is that I would cry and instead of feeling better I felt worse. Usually I cry about something and I move on because I do essentially feel better. This time was very different and at one point in the beginning of this journey I had thought I was falling into depression. Depression is not something I take lightly nor do I use the word depressed as a way to describe my distress. To feel depressed is different than to feel sadness. To be depressed it means that no matter how hard you try to feel happy or content your emotions get the best of you and you fall back into this cycle. While sadness is more of a temporary feeling that at most may last up to a day or two. Thankfully I did not reach that point and I think because I had admitted to get therapy and was receiving that help before I had the chance to get worse, I was pulled out of there just in time. My appointments came regularly the first month which I am glad they did because I finally had someone that I could rely on to help me get through this. Do not get me wrong with the few friends that I had told about my situation, they were able to provide warmth and support in my moments of weakness, even when I felt like I was weak for going to therapy, their understanding and kind words I used as pillars for the days I could not stand. But it was my psychiatrist and my therapist that were able to help me understand why things in my situation were happening and that is how I started to understand myself.

Second month of therapy (July):

Things started to get better. I had started giving myself a bedtime to help control my sleeping schedule, started with breathing exercises, my hobbies were starting to gain my interest again, the sad spells were reducing, and my stress seemed to also reduce. In therapy I learned that what I was going through was grief. Grief has five stages in order the stages include, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Which when put my emotions into context from the discovery point up to this point, it does make sense. While grief usually goes in order, grief could also switch back and forth between stages. So while I was not feeling as much denial I did go through a lot of anger, depression, and acceptance. My acceptance periods did not last long neither did anger and the depression, but they interchanged so much that I had developed mood swings. At one point I could accept the situation happened but moments later I would get upset because it did happen. I went through a lot of that during this journey, there were some days that I was emotionally exhausted I would take naps or I just wanted to be alone. In this month is when a lot of changes were occurring. This was the month in therapy that I had faced the situation not because I was forced to but because I wanted to. The day before I had turned nineteen, I had a promise with myself that I was going to carry my anxiety on my shoulder, sit down, and confront what I have been avoiding since May. I wanted to turn nineteen feeling better about myself, I wanted my nineteenth birthday to be the one day where I was not worrying about anything and spending my birthday to the fullest that I can. And so I did. From the day I turned nineteen I want to say that was my turning point. I feel if it was not for therapy, I would of taken a longer time to confront my situation and this is where I learned also that with therapy, it is not the therapy that makes you better. Therapy helps you feel better, but what you get from therapy is up to you what you do with it. Only you can make yourself better. With the resources from my psychiatrist and the strategies given by my therapist, I was able to use that to formulate my own game plan of how to handle the situation I was placed in. So far I have found a healthy working plan.

Third month of therapy (August):

As this becomes my last month of therapy because I am near that time again to head back to college, I just have to say, this has been a valuable learning experience. A toughie but a goodie in a sense that I have learned a lot about myself and the capabilities of my family. A few days ago I just had my last session with my psychiatrist and even with three months, the progress I have made is exceptional. I have noticed in the way I speak, the way I view myself and others, in the way I filled out the evaluation sheets every time I had gone to see my psychiatrist, when I asked questions about the situation with my family and instead of crying I was able to tentatively listen. It really is about the little things and once when you start to see that then those little things evolve into greater and bigger things. Time does mend broken hearts and I cannot tell you in how much time you will need but you will feel it when the time comes. How will you know? You will know it when you can start talking about what happened and instead of feeling distress, you start to feel nothing. In the start of June I remember telling a friend that I did not feel strong because I had admitted that I needed therapy but to ask for help is something that takes a lot of strength and courage. If that is not being strong, then you may need to look up the definition of strong again. I have one last therapy session with my therapist and I will be done. Therapy is honestly not bad at all, the first few sessions are the ugliest but then they do get better and if they don’t then go seek another therapist. When people hear therapy for the most part they are not lovely remarks and because of those remarks I felt I did not want to be part of that conversation. In the back of my mind I kept telling myself, I do not want to be part of statistic… When in fact, I was already part of the statistic. But now that I am inside the conversation and I understand therapy from the point of view as a patient, therapy is not as appreciated as it should be. Therapy gets bad reps, tabloids overstretch on mental health, and you know if asked again, I would say yes to therapy. I appreciated my therapy sessions for what they are worth and if I had to recommend this technique, I would. From someone who has been through it, the journey is worth making do not let anything hold you back that will benefit you in the end.

Protect your mental health. Every single one of you is worth a chance. You are all strong warriors. Continue fighting. If you have any questions please feel free to ask.

xx Chavelita