The truth is…

For a while now I feel like I have not been completely myself with you all and it is not because I do not trust you all, but because I was not sure of what has been going on with me. You would think once when you graduate from high school, you go through the phase where you are just like well, what do I do now with all of this time? Do I continue my education or will I find another path to follow? You then settle with your decision and take the necessary steps to go through the transition. Seems pretty orthodox, but I feel as though I am still stuck on that transition phase. I am still having a troubling time putting in the words to describe how I feel right now and I think that could be the source of where all my anxiety is coming from. As deliberate as I say this, I do live day by day. I do not enjoy seeking too far into the future but the past is something I also do not want to touch. Lets put it this way, I am like this bird, feeling free soaring in the sky enjoying the moments when they come but where I am flying is still a mystery and that is what terrifies me.

I want to say I am a good actress. I act like I have everything is together which is only slim of the truth. If you follow me on social media you will see that most of my posts are trying to uplift people from whatever it is they are going through and I genuinely do want people feeling happier whenever we connect, but at the same time I am trying to save myself. I am no where close to perfect and that pressure is destroying me. In honesty, some days I do feel like giving up, I want to call in sick and stay in bed instead, and isolate myself at least until I find my step again. A personal day we will leave it at that. That is what most people do not know. Finding yourself is ugly but at the same time beautiful because only you are able to know what are the true differences that has made you the person you are today. This independent life has definitely brought out a lot of myself I would have never known if I stayed in my hometown. I would not have met so many people from different walks of life, connected to my faith in such a way that leaves me wrapped in sense of security among the inconsistency, and find a new love within myself among all of the hardships. The changes are so profound at times, I can picture my life apart from my parents when last year I was so scared to leave them on my first semester of college. I love my parents do not get me wrong, but I have grown to like having the freedom to choose what will be my next step without outside influences.

In continuation with the honesty theme, I in fact use profanity. I am nineteen, I am a young adult, and I should not have to feel guilty for using words that currently describe how I feel. I am no longer the little girl you all have met in the past, well only applies to those who have met when I was younger, I cannot continue being her. And I am not going to feel apologetic for wanting a change in myself. A change that I feel will benefit me and continue in these moments of discovering more about myself. I find joy to speak about taboo topics, politics, research, what I read over the past few days, and just about anything hot and worth speaking on. Is the only way where I feel connected with people and gives me a sneak peek into what their thought process consists of. Rawness is so rare but that is what I love to see in others when this world has become so artificial. I will not continue to hide myself. You can either accept me for who I am now or there is the door.

Another thing is that I should not feel guilty for feeling happy. Many of you may relate to this as well, but when I am happy then I enjoy this feeling to the fullest. My natural happiness comes in inconsistent waves and so when they do come, I do my best to soak them all in. I am not trying to be a show off, I am not trying to impress anyone, I do it for myself because I also deserve happiness and love. Which is something that I have been struggling so much to hold on to. When I am given compliments instead of accepting them I feel skeptical. Not sure how I have gotten to that point but I need to start holding on to some of that happiness and love instead of handing it out like kleenex. Such precious feelings and that should be cherished in case of the rainy days. Self-care is unquestionably important and I cannot believe how much of that has slipped within my grasp but this realization has made me reconsider my choices. I hope to find my happy medium soon among all these feelings, emotions, and phases.

I am going to start living for myself.

 

xx Chavelita

Adaptation Proclamation

Spatial time is pretty interesting standard unit of measurement that continues endlessly like this vortex. The seconds are leaving us one by one and by the time we realize that the seconds turn into years. I remember my first day of fourth grade wearing my favorite white polo shirt with the collar having ruffles on the edges and my navy blue skirt which I approved only for the fact that they had shorts underneath or else I would of thought twice before wearing something that made me feel like I was walking without pants. I was downstairs having my breakfast as usual and when I went upstairs I complained to my mom, “Why did I have to go to school? Why do you get to stay at home?” and of course my mindset was not yet developed so almost anything I say was unfiltered. Then my mom tells me that when you graduate like me, you will no longer have to go to school. I was so desperate for that day to come quicker and now fast forwarding into what is now 2015, the year in which I will graduate, this sensation seems unreal. The years turned into memories that have this great way of popping up spontaneously. Nothing I have imagined this year is happening to me right now. I think I can say is that change is unavoidable but can be managed.

Friendships will flourish and some will soon wither away, and I am here to say that both are okay. These experiences that are created with others allows you to see how much of person you have become whether you gain the confidence you were missing or grew depressed that life is not how you imagined it to be through the influence of your peers. We are only human and changes like these will be faced and your choice is valid to stay or leave for something else. Look at what you are taught as a database, in a database you do not use all the information that is in there (and also because that would be torture to your brain) but the information is there in case you do need to refer back. Just know that there will be people who will constantly come unexpected in your life and you will learn something out of them. Many of us are used to being close-minded when we sense that a friendship is leading into a similar path that only lead us into being hurt but because of that one experience ended terribly with a friend we cannot assume the rest will be the same… Who knows how the next person will effect you.

A step out of your comfort zone is something that was extremely difficult for me and perhaps to many of you too. Where you feel like you are in a blanket when you are among those you are comfortable with or in locations you have grown used to. I believe stepping out of the comfort zone is healthy though terrifying yes as if someone were to yank off your blankets on a early school morning but healthy. From the start of my final semester of high school, my lunch schedule remained the same while everyone else switched because of the new semester. In other words I did not have anyone to spend lunch with. The first few days I would walk to the lunch room early to reserve my usual place by placing my belongings and went to the lunch line before the river of people started to fill in the room. Soon as I got my lunch I would eat alone. I do not want pity but goodness was that experience awkward because a lot of people would pass by and just look at me eating… I am not a new species wanting to be discovered. I knew I had to find someone to have lunch with before I begin to count the all the adjectives I use to describe the tasteless music that blasted on the school’s speakers. Since I volunteer my time at the office so many times in the last months, that is where I found my blanket of comfort. I knew most of the staff, all the counselors, and the counselor clerk (which I should start calling her my godmother because she is ha) and I would sit there until fifth period started to watch the office as everyone else leaves for lunch. Until I was formally introduced to a girl who has also been spending her lunches alone in the office and I was encouraged to have lunch with her. Now I have someone to spend lunch with and have small talk. To take chances is the moral of this story. You will pat yourself in the back later.

Lately I have been challenging myself to do things I would normally say no to. Such as being the first one to start the conversation with a stranger, to speak up not only for myself but for the ones I care about, to wear makeup more often, and to actually talk to my classmates. Baby steps, but I feel they are necessary steps that will build my character and to be more well rounded. Academics will always be my primary goal but I do not think it will hurt to practice my social skills and have somewhat of a social life to learn more about others through their stories. Adapting to this person I have become is such an evolution for me, for once I feel detached enough from people allowing me to breathe and take my own route but close to those I trust that I can go to if needed. If this is not independence, I am not sure how else that term will be defined.

Do you believe you have the power to transform into the person you want to be?

xx Chavelita