For a while now I feel like I have not been completely myself with you all and it is not because I do not trust you all, but because I was not sure of what has been going on with me. You would think once when you graduate from high school, you go through the phase where you are just like well, what do I do now with all of this time? Do I continue my education or will I find another path to follow? You then settle with your decision and take the necessary steps to go through the transition. Seems pretty orthodox, but I feel as though I am still stuck on that transition phase. I am still having a troubling time putting in the words to describe how I feel right now and I think that could be the source of where all my anxiety is coming from. As deliberate as I say this, I do live day by day. I do not enjoy seeking too far into the future but the past is something I also do not want to touch. Lets put it this way, I am like this bird, feeling free soaring in the sky enjoying the moments when they come but where I am flying is still a mystery and that is what terrifies me.
I want to say I am a good actress. I act like I have everything is together which is only slim of the truth. If you follow me on social media you will see that most of my posts are trying to uplift people from whatever it is they are going through and I genuinely do want people feeling happier whenever we connect, but at the same time I am trying to save myself. I am no where close to perfect and that pressure is destroying me. In honesty, some days I do feel like giving up, I want to call in sick and stay in bed instead, and isolate myself at least until I find my step again. A personal day we will leave it at that. That is what most people do not know. Finding yourself is ugly but at the same time beautiful because only you are able to know what are the true differences that has made you the person you are today. This independent life has definitely brought out a lot of myself I would have never known if I stayed in my hometown. I would not have met so many people from different walks of life, connected to my faith in such a way that leaves me wrapped in sense of security among the inconsistency, and find a new love within myself among all of the hardships. The changes are so profound at times, I can picture my life apart from my parents when last year I was so scared to leave them on my first semester of college. I love my parents do not get me wrong, but I have grown to like having the freedom to choose what will be my next step without outside influences.
In continuation with the honesty theme, I in fact use profanity. I am nineteen, I am a young adult, and I should not have to feel guilty for using words that currently describe how I feel. I am no longer the little girl you all have met in the past, well only applies to those who have met when I was younger, I cannot continue being her. And I am not going to feel apologetic for wanting a change in myself. A change that I feel will benefit me and continue in these moments of discovering more about myself. I find joy to speak about taboo topics, politics, research, what I read over the past few days, and just about anything hot and worth speaking on. Is the only way where I feel connected with people and gives me a sneak peek into what their thought process consists of. Rawness is so rare but that is what I love to see in others when this world has become so artificial. I will not continue to hide myself. You can either accept me for who I am now or there is the door.
Another thing is that I should not feel guilty for feeling happy. Many of you may relate to this as well, but when I am happy then I enjoy this feeling to the fullest. My natural happiness comes in inconsistent waves and so when they do come, I do my best to soak them all in. I am not trying to be a show off, I am not trying to impress anyone, I do it for myself because I also deserve happiness and love. Which is something that I have been struggling so much to hold on to. When I am given compliments instead of accepting them I feel skeptical. Not sure how I have gotten to that point but I need to start holding on to some of that happiness and love instead of handing it out like kleenex. Such precious feelings and that should be cherished in case of the rainy days. Self-care is unquestionably important and I cannot believe how much of that has slipped within my grasp but this realization has made me reconsider my choices. I hope to find my happy medium soon among all these feelings, emotions, and phases.
I am going to start living for myself.
xx Chavelita