In the moments of finishing one of the selected series I found on the internet to watch, it has really brought to my concern of the differences between the need for a man and the want of a man. I suppose I can toss in my last night dream into this thought stew. Last night after falling asleep reading a book on colonialism for history and watching an episode of Awkward (the TV show not the adjective), I had a dream that I had a man friend like Matthew McKibben. Strongly built, approachable, supportive, if safe was a way to describe someone, my dream man was safe. Do not get me wrong, being short I had thought that was one of the reasons why I was overseen but I believe that to be the least of my reasons. In the last episode Matthew McKibben tells Jenna Hamilton that before she makes a decision that will change her life, she should choose herself first, that no guy should be the reason why she base a decision over. The whole scene, I was at tears. If I had a guy friend who I went through everything with and had committed to so many first experiences, and instead of being full of it that I should be with him, but gave me the space to make my own decision then I would have been sold too.
I will have to admit, in the time that I have given myself exposure to different literatures of feminism, I had thought that as a independent woman, I did not need a man to make me happy. Which I still find true, but I neglected to think, what if I wanted a man?
That had to be different.
I had thought that wanting a man was kind of hypocritical of me to say but because I consider myself a feminist, it does not mean I would not like to have a man in my life. I would love the company of a man, of course one that will treat me right and will be okay that my every moment will not be spent with him. Hopefully one who will be proud of my accomplishments and who will not bring me down because I wear the pants in my personal and professional life. The need of a man and the want are two separate ideas, at least from I see it. I can relate, I will not hide it, when I finish watching shows that uphold some amazing relationship goals, I cannot help but put myself in their place. I know they’re only fiction, but a girl should still have the right to dream about whatever she wants without feeling guilty. Which is another thing I lacked to consider in my moments. A empowering woman is someone who is true to herself and will accept her flaws, not someone who has been pushing away her emotions like I have been doing lately.
I have to make a confession. I fall into temptation of the little voice in my head that I will not find someone from time to time but who hasn’t? I have read some pretty interesting articles about relationships, singlehood, and self-seeking which were pretty eyeopening at the moment, I did feel as though I was on top of a mountain but then it all just became empty words. I have downloaded dating apps seeking guys just to make the voice shut up. But then I make a full circle and realize what I am doing. Dating to date is not what I am seeking. I have met some interesting guys but nothing that has to be forced is worth it. My mom constantly tells me to this day, I should ask God and to pray to Him whenever I feel hopeless. She would always tell me that I will find someone, I just need to give it time. In the beginning I took her words to heart but then the same hopeless emotions would swallow me again and I guess I let it win. I thought little of guys and relationships. I dropped the idea of getting married and wanting a family. My mom at some point even asked me if I still liked men when I had asked her if she would be upset if I did not marry a man. I was too busy making sure that I did not appear weak that I forgot about myself. Literature could be a great escape but I also have to remember to come back.
In all, feeling lonely sucks. Sometimes it is not even the couples you see that make you feel a bit less than but more so that you have all these wonderful qualities and dreams and its waiting your turn that makes you frustrated. There will be days that you will feel like shit and you want to pull out the closest comfort food and cuddle the nearest pillow but just know that the feeling is mutual. Listen to those who have your back and do not take it for granted. They are telling you those things for a reason not just to make you feel better. Please do not hide who you are, give yourself plenty of chances, and do not be too hard on yourself. We will find the swing of things.
From a sister to a sister.
xx Chavelita
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