The need versus the want

In the moments of finishing one of the selected series I found on the internet to watch, it has really brought to my concern of the differences between the need for a man and the want of a man. I suppose I can toss in my last night dream into this thought stew. Last night after falling asleep reading a book on colonialism for history and watching an episode of Awkward (the TV show not the adjective), I had a dream that I had a man friend like Matthew McKibben. Strongly built, approachable, supportive, if safe was a way to describe someone, my dream man was safe. Do not get me wrong, being short I had thought that was one of the reasons why I was overseen but I believe that to be the least of my reasons. In the last episode Matthew McKibben tells Jenna Hamilton that before she makes a decision that will change her life, she should choose herself first, that no guy should be the reason why she base a decision over. The whole scene, I was at tears. If I had a guy friend who I went through everything with and had committed to so many first experiences, and instead of being full of it that I should be with him, but gave me the space to make my own decision then I would have been sold too.

I will have to admit, in the time that I have given myself exposure to different literatures of feminism, I had thought that as a independent woman, I did not need a man to make me happy. Which I still find true, but I neglected to think, what if I wanted a man?

That had to be different.

I had thought that wanting a man was kind of hypocritical of me to say but because I consider myself a feminist, it does not mean I would not like to have a man in my life. I would love the company of a man, of course one that will treat me right and will be okay that my every moment will not be spent with him. Hopefully one who will be proud of my accomplishments and who will not bring me down because I wear the pants in my personal and professional life. The need of a man and the want are two separate ideas, at least from I see it. I can relate, I will not hide it, when I finish watching shows that uphold some amazing relationship goals, I cannot help but put myself in their place. I know they’re only fiction, but a girl should still have the right to dream about whatever she wants without feeling guilty. Which is another thing I lacked to consider in my moments. A empowering woman is someone who is true to herself and will accept her flaws, not someone who has been pushing away her emotions like I have been doing lately.

I have to make a confession. I fall into temptation of the little voice in my head that I will not find someone from time to time but who hasn’t? I have read some pretty interesting articles about relationships, singlehood, and self-seeking which were pretty eyeopening at the moment, I did feel as though I was on top of a mountain but then it all just became empty words. I have downloaded dating apps seeking guys just to make the voice shut up. But then I make a full circle and realize what I am doing. Dating to date is not what I am seeking. I have met some interesting guys but nothing that has to be forced is worth it. My mom constantly tells me to this day, I should ask God and to pray to Him whenever I feel hopeless. She would always tell me that I will find someone, I just need to give it time. In the beginning I took her words to heart but then the same hopeless emotions would swallow me again and I guess I let it win. I thought little of guys and relationships. I dropped the idea of getting married and wanting a family. My mom at some point even asked me if I still liked men when I had asked her if she would be upset if I did not marry a man. I was too busy making sure that I did not appear weak that I forgot about myself. Literature could be a great escape but I also have to remember to come back.

In all, feeling lonely sucks. Sometimes it is not even the couples you see that make you feel a bit less than but more so that you have all these wonderful qualities and dreams and its waiting your turn that makes you frustrated. There will be days that you will feel like shit and you want to pull out the closest comfort food and cuddle the nearest pillow but just know that the feeling is mutual. Listen to those who have your back and do not take it for granted. They are telling you those things for a reason not just to make you feel better. Please do not hide who you are, give yourself plenty of chances, and do not be too hard on yourself. We will find the swing of things.

From a sister to a sister.

xx Chavelita

The love complex

A couple of days ago, I went to the office to help around where I work. Each week on Friday afternoons, for an hour, I visit the office to see what needs to be done before we hit the weekend. Most of the time I am cleaning for the fact that I work the last hour of the week. Yet, there was this one time in particular, I started talking to one of my colleagues who I do not normally speak with, let alone the in depth topics I am passionate to discuss. Opening up to someone takes time for me to insure that I can actually trust someone, but my colleague was able to overpass all of my layers of security. I find such raw, authentic behavior to be exotic and mesmerizing. I know not everyone portrays their behavior that way which is why I am instantly drawn by those who do.

One of our topics consisted of relationships. Current time, relationships are being seen more as a stamp of approval from others. Since when did our love lives start having the need to please others? Whatever happened to, “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4)? Most of life is now a form of competition. Who will be the first to graduate from college? The first to get a job after college? The first to buy a house? Now, who will find everlasting love first? I feel relationships to have been primed with happiness, completion, and love. While on the other hand, to remain single you are perceived as a misfit, unsuccessful, and vain more so for a woman compared to a man if I can add. You are not taken as seriously when you are single or that there just has to be something wrong with you because you decide to remain single. At the same time though, being in a relationship may appear like your life is more put together but you are still questioned about your freedom of choice. Is there any real winners?

For the longest time, I have been imagining myself with my ideal man. I can be walking to class and he will be there. Doing my homework and he interrupts my computations. Now lets be honest, to have someone love you as much as you love them sounds like a dream. Maybe life would be easier if you found someone who was compatible and shared the same interests as you. Someone who will be there for the beautiful and the ugly moments and still decides to stay in your life. But those are just [my] imaginations, based on what? Based on the media. Here is a few to list. We grow up watching movies with these perfect guys who is supposed to save the day and cherish you until the end of the world i.e. Disney fairytale movies. Video games where you need to rescue the princess from the monsters in castles i.e. Super Mario. On the other hand, for guys they grow up that they need to fit the attractive masculine male to get the girl i.e. Fast and Furious.

This also comes down to our view on masculinity and femininity. Just like we want to feel our sense of belonging within our communities, masculinity and femininity act like the memberships to getting in society. If you do not quite fit in then you are excluded. I cannot speak on their behalf but I want to say that is why LGBTQ+ individuals find a struggle to find their footing. The movies that I mentioned above consisted of heterosexual relationships, but what about relationships that do not include heterosexuality? Our mind loves to formulate heuristic schemas and scripts to use as shortcuts. I admit, I sometimes fall as a cognitive miser myself. We tend to follow these scripts like gospel until it no longer fits in our favor and instead of creating an extended version to include other genders, we put them in a block list. Not sure how that will help us understand the multiplexity of genders but before we can make the necessary changes in how society views those who are not from hegemonic class is to make aware that this a problem.

A part of me wants to blame evolutionary psychology as well. Evolutionary psychology states that traits such as attractiveness and health have been key components of how mates build their relationship. Women are careful choosers when it comes to men because they need to be able to trust that the one they choose to have their offspring has good healthy traits. In addition, women need to know that the men is not only a good fit in looks and genes, but also be able to provide resources to assist both the child and them. Men tend to look for attractive women who will carry on their legacy and pass on their genes. (Again this does not account for those who are not from a heterosexual sexuality) This all goes down to one’s survival and this is such a frustrating truth I have learned this semester of college. Even when we may not try to be judgmental with who we see ourselves with, evolutionary psychology implicitly sits in the back to remind us of our ancestral roots.

Are you now starting to understand why it is so complex to find a single solution to solve the identity crisis? Welcome to the world of feminism.

What other standards makes you question your position?

xx Chavelita

My first pet

In my family, having a pet was out of the question. My mom would repeatedly say, “Y tu, vas a limpiar mierda de perro?” (Are you going to be the one cleaning dog poop (only she wouldn’t say the nice diction of poop)?) , “No voy a limpiar despues de ellos!” (I am not cleaning up after them!), or something along those lines and that is where the conversation always ended. After multiple attempts of persuasion, I found no use to bring up the conversation and have all of them end in the same way that it started. All my friends were left with their mouths open whenever I mentioned that I did not have a pet and I honestly did not understand what was the whole hoopla of having them because of the way my mom would describe pets. I knew I was missing out but I just was not affected as much by it because I did not have the experience of looking after a mammal that had more legs than I did. I didn’t think my opportunity would come to have a pet until the Fourth of July. It just so happened to be the Fourth of July, none of this was actually planned out. I happened to be sitting outside of my backyard, building up the courage to have a serious conversation with my dad when suddenly I start hearing mews coming from my behind. At first I thought it was just a cat roaming around the neighborhood streets because I constantly hear them especially at night, but the sound was coming from underneath these unused wooden floorboards we have stacked at the corner of our backyard. I slowly approached and dipped my head to see, and there they were two kittens hiding. As soon as the small orange kitten came out of hiding, my heart instantly melted and I took my phone out to take pictures because that week in a world that has been filled with ugly anecdotes of murdering one another, you just have to treasure the innocent moments. He had a sibling with black, white, and orange fur but he seemed to be more timid. Both equally cute though. But I just had this feeling that my mom was not going to take them in, more so with her allergies. So I did not bother to give the kittens a name because as soon as you start with the names then giving them away would be more difficult. On that same day my family was able to find the black kitten a home with my brother’s friend but we were still struggling to see who would take the orange kitten. I posted on social media about finding the kittens in my backyard, reached out to friends who were willing to adopt, but adopting a kitten is hard work and need constant attention. They are not just cats that can be given a home, food, and water and you are done. You have to bottle feed a kitten, make sure that they are comfortable and warm, take notice whenever they start meowing, provide the love, litter box, and just hope that the kitten does not get sick or start missing the mama cat. Just the thought of taking him in was stressing me out, I did not think I was able to handle the constant need of reassuring myself that everything will be happening under their own reasons. Somehow I was able to convince my mom to take him to the shelter and as soon as I sat in the passenger seat of the car with the kitten my mom cracks. She’s in the driver seat feeling sad and almost in tears to have to let him go. Keep in mind that she was the one opposing in keeping the kitten in the first place. Either way we went to the services and we sat there in the few moments that we had with the kitten until they took him. The person who took the kitten said that if they were not able to find a foster mother for the kitten that they would have to put him down. I do not think I have seen such a petrified concerned look on my mom’s face. Speechless as she was, we both left thinking what the hell did we just do? Although I was questioning why my mom was crying, even I had a lump in my throat. A kitten who we barely met and he was already bringing in so much emotion and changes within my family. When we got back from taking him, the house was soon quiet again like it has been for the past weeks. My family has not been in the best terms as they could be right now and I guess the kitten was a good distraction from all of it. I was starting to miss the little guy.

The next day my mom wakes up and she is dressed. My brother who has also been upset about the kitten not being at the house, state that they were going to the animal services to pick up the kitten. I decided to stay home because I knew if they were not going to give my mom the kitten back, I would not know how to handle the situation well. About an hour or so passes, and I hear the garage door opening. My brother with a smile on his face, and my mom with a sign of relief to have the kitten back in her arms. This has definitely been a test of love and I felt a little more complete myself to have the little fur ball back. I somehow had this feeling that the kitten was already a part of the family but I did not want to be jumping up in glee unless I knew for sure. My brother decided to call him Little Jack which I do not mind but I call him Jack since I know he is not going to be small forever. Besides little people such as myself do not like to be called little, I find that to be degrading. The stress and worry are still there because I have little to no experience in taking care of animals but I have been putting in the work to learn more. Constantly researching, more to keep me at ease than to actually benefit Jack though, it’s still nice to know in case he were to ever get worms and so forth. When I have a life depending on me, I cannot just be like, “Oh I don’t know…” because I know if my mom did that to me I wouldn’t be so happy or trusting. So everyday I try to learn something new about Jack. I am a bit late on the bandwagon to be having my first pet at 19, but Jack could not have come at a more better time. Glad to have him in my life regardless of the biting and the scratching. His appearance could make anyone gawk especially with his blue eyes.

What was your first pet?

xx Chavelita