I recently wrote this with the intention of reading this to my former confirmation teacher’s class but I decided to freely speak without it. I still thought it was worth the share because reflecting over this, I have come to realize, my faith did go through a transformation period.
When I started college last year (2015-2016), I had just turned 18 about a month ago and with a milestone age of entering young adulthood, I couldn’t help but ask myself a lot of questions in the times where I was alone away from my parent’s supervision. My church was about a mile away from my freshman dorm, it took me about twenty minutes (depending how quickly or leisurely I decided to walk) to get to mass. In college, I experimented a lot to see what fitted into my new life. When it came to my religion, I took many detours. I had gone to masses in English with college students that I did not know and I have gone to Spanish mass with more people I did not know. Overall, I decided to stick to Spanish mass because it was one of the very few times where I felt at home and safe to be myself. Not that I did not feel safe in my own living space because my former roommate accepted me for who I am, but I needed a more sense of security that only my faith was able to provide. Though what I did not consider is the transition itself from my community established church back at home to going to a church where I felt no connection. The first few Sundays I struggled going to mass alone. Sitting alone in mass, I had constantly wished for at least a companion to go to church with me to relieve some of the homesick feeling I found hard to manage. I want to say that was one of the reasons why I temporarily stopped going to mass. To feel nostalgic and sad when going to church, was not on my list of emotions to feel when practicing my faith. Instead I made up excuses, I told myself that I was too tired to go to mass and that I needed to finish homework before the week started again. Only the more times I missed church, the more miserable, confused, and stressed out I felt. Independence is something a lot of people long for when they graduate from high school, I know I did, but there is also a price that comes along with it. You begin to realize the person you truly are when you are not around your parents, at least that is how I felt going to college out of my hometown, you find yourself in a wave of nostalgia. There were moments where I did not watch old childhood movies because it made me miss my brothers too much. In those moments, you know that you are going through a transformation that only you and God know. Only God knows more of the plans and you tend to just catch up with time. I remember my parents would call and ask me if I went to church the following Sundays and sometimes I did but most times in my first semester of freshman year I said that I did not go to church. And even though I did not see my parents face to face, I could not help but feel guilty and disappointed in myself. God always puts in the time for me and I felt the least I can do is give Him one day out of my busy week to reconnect. It wasn’t until I went back home for spring break and went through confession that I had come to my senses that through my period of finding out who I was, God already knew who I was going to become and has always been there with open arms ready to catch me if I were to fall. Then you start to think and realize that only God would do something like that for you. I felt I did not deserve all the accomplishments and opportunities I was given in my freshman year of college because I was not going to church regularly. I even asked myself, “what did I do to deserve this?”.
I will not lie; it is so easy to fall within the cracks of college when you do not have God in the center of your life. And I know many of you have heard that saying so many times that you can recite it in your sleep, but I agree. After confessing in March, I pulled myself together. I started going to church more often, I started to make Catholic friends who would invite me to church or to some of the church activities. Going into my sophomore year of college at 19 (2016-2017), I got better at going to church on my own. I started to sing more at church and opened myself up to meeting new people from my new community. The complex thoughts that I had were starting to make more sense. I still get homesick sometimes but this time when I go to church is like I am at home again. You sing the same songs and you start to see familiar faces, the community eventually starts to grow on you. As a mentor this year, one of the students I mentor is religious and we are constantly talking about the works of God. College triggers a lot of my anxiety and going to church was one of the ways where I found myself replenished from all the work done within the week. When I do not go to church I feel like I had hit a bump in a road and the week becomes more challenging to complete. Until you go back to church, it’s like getting a big warm hug from God. God also works in the most baffling ways. God knows when you are taking detours and He also knows of ways to bring you back to church whether you feel it at first or not. God sent me angels inviting me back to church multiple times throughout my semesters and it was not until this year that I finally accepted His invitation to be a more involved Catholic during college. I learned that instead of finding reasons or excuses for why God does not fit in my life, I found it is better to go along with Him. When challenging God, I always know He is going to win me over, so what is the point of pushing Him away? I thought I was persistent, but no one is more persistent than my Father.
What religious stories do you have that has shaped your faith today?
xx Chavelita
chavelitastories 